Changes in 2014!

Yes, I know I keep spacing out my blogging time with this blog.  But I promise myself and my current non existent audience that I will make the effort to release out my thoughts and emotions more often on a consistent basis.  :-)p

Right now, I feel a bit stuffed and overloaded.  I ate too much shrimp with broccoli egg foo young (one of my favorite Chinese food dishes) and drunk too much Dr. Pepper pop (soda).   It's a beautiful day, and I am in a much better mood and place than I had been since the last time I blogged.  I am as usual in a transitional stage as I have been since I graduated from high school 10+ years ago.  The question is...When am I going to get it together?   By now I'm definitely wiser.  I'm also more spiritually aligned with myself and my core values.  However, I have a few weeks to figure what my next major move is.  Will I renew the lease to my place that I've been residing at for the past 5 years and remain in the same city/region I've been residing for the past 12 years?  Or will I do something totally different than anything I've ever done in the present and past for the sake of a better, brighter, more exciting future?  I'm leaning towards change.  But I want meaningful change.  To now choose to live with purpose for a more fulfilling future starting with the present, instead for the moment for the sake of survival. 

Living in the moment for the sake of survival, is what I like many in this world of modern society have done for so long.  But it's no longer acceptable or enough to me.  I have been just going through with the motions of life, instead of really living it with the intent to do something that will mean more to me than just making sure I have a roof over my head and the security of knowing the bills are going to get paid.  I still desire security and comfort.  But I don't want to live in fear that my choices are solely based on the idea that I need to be able to survive in this world.  I want to live and exist for more than to just survive as that ideal and way of living is so empty.  I want to live with a purpose.  With the will and desire to contribute something meaningful to society and to live out my passions for my own fulfillment as well.

I always heard growing up (this is a societal flaw, not just one that my parents and family has), that following your true hearts desire and passions is nothing more than a pipe dream and a one way ticket to poorville.
I carried that baggage with me as the heaviest burden any young person could be daunted to suffer with for many years in my earlier youth into adulthood.  The "poor" mindset held me back in life as I have seen it did to many others in my generation as well.  It left me feeling hopeless, depressed and poverty minded for so long.  It's a battle I have been fighting for many years, and one that I feel I have finally overcome.  So now my only concern is how do I go about getting on my right path in life so that I can start living a fulfilling life with purpose instead of living an empty lie.  Meditation is a process that I have been using as a tool to help me in this process.  Sound therapy through guided meditations and sound therapy tracks help as well.  Prayer is a great contributor too.

I want to be able to escape the burdens of having to worry about paying bills, rent, and so forth.  I don't want to live with these types of burdens fueling the choices I make and causing stress, tension, and anxiety through taking a job I don't like/can't stand just to survive.  These days in a bad economy it seems many have to make such a tough choice and sacrifice.  But I have always had to make such tough choices and sacrifices for as long as I can remember to survive, pay my bills, and live for the next day, week, month, year.  All these years have gone by and I find myself feeling unfulfilled, empty, and like I have no purpose in life.  I started feeling like I should cave in and have kids the same way I felt I should cave in and marry, just to feel like I am doing something that will add value, purpose and most of all security to my life.  But this was not the antidote to my depression.  It is merely only another way of just living to survive.  I choose to live with purpose and do more than just survive.  I want to flourish, be happy, and feel truly fulfilled in everything that I do from this point on.  None of this is crazy talk. It's just real.  People need to be true to themselves in order to truly feel comfort and security in this world.  IT ANNOYS ME WHEN SOCIETY PRESSURES PEOPLE  (ESPECIALLY YOUTH) TO MAKE CHOICES THAT DO NOT REFLECT THEIR TRUE PURPOSE IN LIFE, BUT RATHER THE PURPOSE OF SOCIETY AND WHAT IT VALUES.

Things that annoy me today

Finally returning back to the blog I started about 7 years ago, only to find that people still irritate the shit out of me with their selfishness, ignorance, immaturity, narcissism, and  lack of concern for my feelings.  I'm human, so I go through things just like everyone else but others fail to realize it or fail to acknowledge it and show that they sincerely give a damn for a change and put their own continuous bullshit aside for the sake of helping me get through my bullshit as I do for many of them all the damn time.  I need to vent and talk and get things off my chest and express how I feel be it I'm sad, angry, hurt, depressed, curious, inspired, happy, etc.  This will be my way of doing so.  It's just a damn shame that after 7 years of knowing I needed to do this because I had this same issue before back then, that it still persists to be an issue today.  So this is definitely one of the things that annoys me today.

Other things that annoy me today:

1) A friend who doesn't know who and what the hell she wants in her love life and always wants to talk about her love life all the time (mostly ignores mines no matter how many times I mention it).  Worst of all she wants to text about most of it as if we're in high school!  We're grown women and live in the same area.  Why are we texting more about her love life than hanging out to talk about it in person?  Especially if she mentions that a guy she has known and spent time with for less than a few months have asked her to marry her after sex one time??? You don't text your good friend about that type of shit.  You call them up and ask them to meet up with you like the girls did on Sex & The City and Girlfriends and fucking talking about it in person! Don't expect me to text you back and forth on such a serious issue and we both live in the same area and have plenty of enough free time to meet up and talk about it! 

What the hell do I look like texting back and forth like a damn teen in high school talking about (Me: "OMG he asked you to what??? Marry him?... (Friend: Yeah girl! I was shocked. Me: What did you say??!...Us: blah blah blah back and forth"  WTF Too old for that shit and my hand is sore already from everyone wanting to text me a million times back and forth already about their love life and other shit.  I don't mind texting with out of state friends while they're at work.  But I'm not gonna extend any further my attention and time to texting with a friend who is not at work and has the ability to easily call me up or make free time to meet up and talk like real adults and hang out while doing so, so I can tune out a little while their blabbing on and on about themselves while we window shop and eat lunch at the mall. LoL  I pay good attention to people when they talk, but some friends are repetitive when they talk because they are narcissist and obsessed with their situations...so that's when I tune out before commenting again with the same feedback I gave them 5-10 mins before for the 2nd and 3rd time!  Goodness grief what is wrong with people?

2) Another friend (she lives in Philly) has also been bombarding me about her love life stuff.  However, she at least had the awareness and decency (perhaps because she too was a psychology major) to at some point realize that she sometimes can ramble a bit much about her issues and asked me how had I been doing.  Today though what annoyed me with her is what I keep seeing from her more and more, is that she like many of us women (esp as we get older) are getting desperate for a man to settle down with, to the point of over looking good common sense signs that a man isn't interested.  She'll say something like "Oh he said he doesn't mind hanging out again, but he doesn't want to date me. So maybe he was nervous."  WTF?? No hun!  How about he isn't interested and he clearly told you that.  I told her this and she still was looking for exceptions!

 I can't say that I have never been guilty of wanting someone so bad to the point of making ridiculous exceptions for them, because women do this far more than we should and even men do as well...just not as much as us women do.  But I spare those moments from my friends and keep those embarrassing low point moments to myself out of a sense of pride for myself.  Even though I know I have been guilty once too.  But to share it so often with your friends just makes you look hopeless after a while, and I really wonder what's going on in her head.  I try not to judge and I try to help her as a good friend.  But I need to vent this because I'm annoyed and human.  It's ok ladies to share details about your love life with your friends and seek 2nd and maybe even 3rd opinions about things, but spare your friends the hassle of becoming over whelmed with your repetitive issues and mistakes...esp for long periods of time.  Give us a damn break and gap it out sometimes.  Goodness grief! Annoyed!

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